| WHAT PARENTS SHOULD OR SHOULDN'T DO AND SAY |
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DON'T: Criticize the other parent in front of the child(ren)
WHY: Because children gain sense of self from both parents, criticizing
the other parent could result in your child feeling criticized
SOLUTION: *Try to uphold your child's view of the parent in front of the child
*Discuss your issues with the other parent without the child
being present
PROBLEM: The other parent criticizes you in front of the child
REMEMBER: You cannot change the other parent
DO: *Discuss your child's feelings about the criticism
*Let your child express him/herself
DON'T: Defend yourself against the criticism
DON'T: Tell our child(ren) to keep secrets from the other parent
WHY: However the child responds to the request to keep a secret it will
cause stress for the child: disloyalty by keeping the secret or
betrayal of trust if the other parent is told the secret
PROBLEM: Cannot keep the same holiday traditions
DO: Step away from thoughts about a holiday being only one day
and create new traditions
WHY: Allows for optimal holiday experience for child(ren) and parent
New sense of belonging
DON'T: Ask your child(ren) to be the messenger
WHY: *Incorrect messages sent and/or retrieved
*Manipulation by the child
*Mixed messages to the child
*May result in the child lying to you
PROBLEM: Other parent uses child(ren) as messengers
SOLUTION: Empower your child to tell parent not use him/her as
messengers
DO: Discuss your child's feelings about being a messenger
DON'T: Encourage your child(ren) to spy on the other parent
WHY: *Sends wrong message to the child(ren)
*Angers the other parent if discovered
*May deteriorate the relationship between you and the child
SOLUTION: Validate your child's feeling as the information provided
DO: Discourage the child(ren) from continuing to spy
PROBLEM: Child(ren) regress into behaviors of earlier age
DO: Get immediate help for you, the child(ren), and other parent, if
willing to cooperate
REMEMBER: Other parent may not want to cooperate
DON'T: Parentify defined as placing the child into the role of the other
parent or that of a peer
WHY: *Makes child take on an unhealthy amount of responsibility
*Exaggerated since of own importance - necessary for parent
*May feel deprived of a carefree childhood
*Co-dependent
*Overly responsible for others
*Rescuers
*Trouble with intimacy
*Have trouble leaving parent when an adult
*Incapable of allowing his/her own feelings to be met
DO: Create clear parent-child(ren) boundaries so the role of each is
clearly defined by routines, decision-making, enforcing/setting
limits so if the child(ren) takes on more responsibility the child
will be fine
PROBLEM: Can't stand the other parent
DO: Prevent as many meetings/communications as possible
DON'T: *Let your child suffer
*Share clothes, toys, possessions if possible
*Call the parent during the other parent's visitation time
DON'T: Discuss problems at visitation exchanges
WHY: *Child is present for these discussions
*Involves the child in the problems of the parents
*Child needs low-key transition from one parent to the other
*Focus on the child during the exhange
DO: Schedule a time for a discussion other than visitation exchange
PROBLEM: Stressed/Cranky child after visitation exchange
WHY: Child needs a low-key transition from one parent to the other
DO: *Tell the child what is expected to occur during the exchange
*Allow the child time to adjust from one household to the next
DON'T: Interfere with the relationship between the other parent and
your child(ren)
WHY: *Takes child longer to adjust to the divorce
*Creates anger towards you
*May result in extra loyalty to the other parent
*Child may rebel and act out towards you
PROBLEM: Child(ren) don't feel at home in the non-custodial parent's home
DO: Create own space for child and encourage child to store items
and personalize the space
WHY: Gives the child(ren) a sense of belonging
DON'T: Make your child choose if your rules/routines are better than
the other parent's routines/rules
WHY: Children already feel disloyal by loving the other parent, interfering
with the relationship with the other parent
DON'T: Allow differences in parenting styles to create issues
DO: *Keep differences in perspective
*Empower your child to deal directly with the other parent
WHY: Because children gain sense of self from both parents, criticizing
the other parent could result in your child feeling criticized
SOLUTION: *Try to uphold your child's view of the parent in front of the child
*Discuss your issues with the other parent without the child
being present
PROBLEM: The other parent criticizes you in front of the child
REMEMBER: You cannot change the other parent
DO: *Discuss your child's feelings about the criticism
*Let your child express him/herself
DON'T: Defend yourself against the criticism
DON'T: Tell our child(ren) to keep secrets from the other parent
WHY: However the child responds to the request to keep a secret it will
cause stress for the child: disloyalty by keeping the secret or
betrayal of trust if the other parent is told the secret
PROBLEM: Cannot keep the same holiday traditions
DO: Step away from thoughts about a holiday being only one day
and create new traditions
WHY: Allows for optimal holiday experience for child(ren) and parent
New sense of belonging
DON'T: Ask your child(ren) to be the messenger
WHY: *Incorrect messages sent and/or retrieved
*Manipulation by the child
*Mixed messages to the child
*May result in the child lying to you
PROBLEM: Other parent uses child(ren) as messengers
SOLUTION: Empower your child to tell parent not use him/her as
messengers
DO: Discuss your child's feelings about being a messenger
DON'T: Encourage your child(ren) to spy on the other parent
WHY: *Sends wrong message to the child(ren)
*Angers the other parent if discovered
*May deteriorate the relationship between you and the child
SOLUTION: Validate your child's feeling as the information provided
DO: Discourage the child(ren) from continuing to spy
PROBLEM: Child(ren) regress into behaviors of earlier age
DO: Get immediate help for you, the child(ren), and other parent, if
willing to cooperate
REMEMBER: Other parent may not want to cooperate
DON'T: Parentify defined as placing the child into the role of the other
parent or that of a peer
WHY: *Makes child take on an unhealthy amount of responsibility
*Exaggerated since of own importance - necessary for parent
*May feel deprived of a carefree childhood
*Co-dependent
*Overly responsible for others
*Rescuers
*Trouble with intimacy
*Have trouble leaving parent when an adult
*Incapable of allowing his/her own feelings to be met
DO: Create clear parent-child(ren) boundaries so the role of each is
clearly defined by routines, decision-making, enforcing/setting
limits so if the child(ren) takes on more responsibility the child
will be fine
PROBLEM: Can't stand the other parent
DO: Prevent as many meetings/communications as possible
DON'T: *Let your child suffer
*Share clothes, toys, possessions if possible
*Call the parent during the other parent's visitation time
DON'T: Discuss problems at visitation exchanges
WHY: *Child is present for these discussions
*Involves the child in the problems of the parents
*Child needs low-key transition from one parent to the other
*Focus on the child during the exhange
DO: Schedule a time for a discussion other than visitation exchange
PROBLEM: Stressed/Cranky child after visitation exchange
WHY: Child needs a low-key transition from one parent to the other
DO: *Tell the child what is expected to occur during the exchange
*Allow the child time to adjust from one household to the next
DON'T: Interfere with the relationship between the other parent and
your child(ren)
WHY: *Takes child longer to adjust to the divorce
*Creates anger towards you
*May result in extra loyalty to the other parent
*Child may rebel and act out towards you
PROBLEM: Child(ren) don't feel at home in the non-custodial parent's home
DO: Create own space for child and encourage child to store items
and personalize the space
WHY: Gives the child(ren) a sense of belonging
DON'T: Make your child choose if your rules/routines are better than
the other parent's routines/rules
WHY: Children already feel disloyal by loving the other parent, interfering
with the relationship with the other parent
DON'T: Allow differences in parenting styles to create issues
DO: *Keep differences in perspective
*Empower your child to deal directly with the other parent
| Website of the Law Office of Angela Lund-Logan |